Breathing room

It's the end of the school year again, which means I haven't had time to breathe for about a month, and still won't for another two or three weeks. We just had our big 8th Grade Celebration this evening, so even though I'll be busy, it'll be smooth sailing from here on.

I ran across this article this evening and I just had to share it. I LOVE this mother. I want her kids to move to my school.

Bullying Teen Gets Public Punishment

Shenanigans!

This weather is bullshit.

Wordless Wednesday

The Coolest Thing I've Seen All Week

It seems like everything Alanis does makes me like her more.

Why not to get your hair done at a beauty school

Even the D students get to practice on people.

I DID choose those colors. But they were supposed to be highlights in my original hair color. I told the girl that. I guess those terms were too complicated for her. It looks much better in these pictures than it did right after I got it yesterday. When I got home, I couldn't decide which I looked more like: a circus clown or the big top tent a circus clown performs in. It was really bright because she didn't rinse all the dye out. My clothes and hands were stained from touching it. When I got home, I got in the shower and shampooed 6 or 7 times. Now I look like a cartoon superhero or a REALLY big Chiefs fan.

In all of this, I have found something to take comfort in. I was going to go really funky and get purple highlights instead of red. Thank the Lord I changed my mind. And another positive: I am TOTALLY keeping my reputation as the awesomest 8th grade teacher ever.

For Jennie

Heather Mills...

...looks like a transvestite.

What in the hell is wrong with the TV?

In the last few weeks, I have seen some shit on TV that just shouldn't be there. Three things in particular have stood out from the crowd.

First, Sanjaya is still on Idol. I has GOT to be a Stern/Votefortheworst conspiracy. Because the little future 'mo can't sing. And they curled his hair up like a pretty pretty princess girl. He's a nice kid, but seriously!

Second, I was flipping channels on my DirecTv late last weekend when I saw in the Guide "Upcoming: Shop Erotic." I saw this and thought, "Must be lingerie. Surely they can't sell dildos on TV." I stayed up and waited out of sheer curiosity. Know what it was? They were selling dildos on TV. And automatic massaging self-masturbating penis pumps. And anal beads. And butt plugs. Butt plugs! On TV! That was what really got me. They didn't try to sugar-coat it at all. They were like "butt plugs" this and "butt plugs" that. No "recreational voluntary anal blockage device" or anything like that. I know you can say "butt plug" on TV, but Oh. My. GOD. you shouldn't! I just sat there watching with Mike, turning to him every few seconds and marvelling, "Seriously? Seriously? That's on my TV?" For those of you who are curious, they have a website with show times and channel listings.

The last cracked-out thing I saw on TV made so little sense, I wasn't sure the next day if it was real, or if I had dreamed it. Hot Pockets must have made Marijuana Hot Pockets and fed them to their advertising department. I was sitting innocently on my couch watching TV, when this commercial came on. A young man was doing sit-ups with a gym partner standing on his feet. He sits up (as is expected while doing sit-ups) and finds his gym partner replaced with an old Chinese man who looks down at him and says, "What-uh wrong wis you? You no want-uh six-uh payck. You want-uh HAAAT PAACKAYTS!" Then a web address for http://www.hotpocketsdojo.com/ pops up. You can see this commercial and many similar to it on that site, as well as sending e-cards and playing rock-paper-scissors. I had to visit the web site to make sure I hadn't halucinated the whole thing. Better hurry if you want to see it, though. I'm sure they won't last long before Asian anti-defamation groups get them pulled. They're so bad I was offended by them. It doesn't mean I didn't laugh my ass off though. I'm sure that if George Takei sees this man in a dark alley, he'll justifiably kick his ass.

I'm a big girl now!

Know how I know I'm a grown-up?

I'm happy DST got here because I get to spend more time during daylight hours. I used to whine and moan for a week and a half that the government stole an hour of my sleep. Now, I'm like, "Ooooh! Sunshine! This is a great idea."

Is it all really worth it?

No. No it's not.

There. Is. A. REASON...

...that I do NOT choose to live in Oklahoma!

Today, it is February. FEBRUARY! I should not be on my THIRD tornado close-call of the calendar year. And I especially should not be expecting close-calls number four and five before morning.

I don't know who it is, but someone needs to be punched in the face for this. Like I said, if I enjoyed tornados, or if I enjoyed the company of people with no teeth, then I would have chosen to live in Oklahoma.

Know what else?

Things just got a little easier if you're a whore. Walmart started carrying your shoes!

Yep. Red "patent leather" peep toe platform skinny high heels. I can't decide whether the fake stack heel and platform make it better or worse. At only $18.82, you'll make your money back on your corner in no time!

Re: Fuck Walmart

Nevermind. No more "Fuck Walmart."

Them bitches finally got hula hoops.

I'll see your moms...

...and raise you the entire family! That's my dad, me, sister Annie, brother Tommy, brother Joe, and MOM! It was taken at the rehearsal dinner the night before my wedding.

My mom is the greatest. I don't have time to write a treatise on why my mom rocks, so I'll leave you with the greatest thing I learned from my mom. Her mother never showed her kids love when they were growing up. My mom can remember every single time that my grandmother told her that she loved her because it happened so few times. My mom taught me that the best way to love anybody is to let them know. She told me she wanted to make sure that she told us how much she loved us as often as she could so that we wouldn't grow up remembering each time as an occasion. Instead, we grew up with the knowledge that we were all truly loved.

Spring break? What's that?

Today, I slept in, went grocery shopping, and had a leisurely lunch with my husband instead of working. Why? Because today is my 9th snow day of the year. We had 2 in December, 5 in January, and 2 this week. Before this week, they had already ignored our priority of make-up days (which said we would make up all snow days at the end of the school year) and taken away Presidents' Day and three days of Spring Break, leaving us with only 2 days off for the entire remainder of the school year. Now that we've had these snow days this week, we'll probably lose what we had left. Which means I won't be able to go visit Lee in Springfield, IL, and I won't be able to stop on the way to Lee's to hang with Jennie and Ben before they leave for their cruise.

Stupid plan-ruining snow days.

Now all I can do is hold out hope that the superintendent will come to his senses, give back Spring Break, and add another week to the end of the school year.

Who

Who let the dogs out?

You

Who wishes you'd quit fucking with the damn dogs and get a life?

Me

Why I rock...today

I just presented my big project of the year to the school board this evening as part of their "student achievement" segment of their meeting. I impressed the shit out of the superintendent and all the building principals in my district.

The school board was not as impressed. Not because my job shadowing program isn't kick-ass, but because it's old news to them. Almost all of them have had a child or a grandchild come through my class, so they all knew about the program. And they all looooooooooooved it!

So...

• school board = impressed by something they already knew was good, but didn't realize I use it to cover a metric assload of objectives.
• principals = all think I totally rock, and are jealous I'm not teaching in their building.

I'm a champion!

Challenge!

Jennie has issued a challege to respond to a post called "Four things you may not have known about me." Everybody knows everything about me, so I shall call this one...

Four things you know about me, but may have forgotten.


A) Four jobs I have had in my life.
1. Church nursery worker
2. Day care/preschool teacher
3. Substitute teacher
4. 8th grade English teacher

B) Four movies I would watch over and over.
1. Psycho Beach Party
2. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
3. George of the Jungle
4. The Mummy movies

C) Four places I have lived
1. Redondo Beach, California
2. Odessa and Mequite, Texas
3. Raymore, Missouri
4. Holden, Missouri
That's all the places I've lived, unless you count college. Then we can add Kirksville and Columbia, Missouri

D) Four TV shows I love to watch
1. Heroes--Oh, shit! I'm glad we did this. I have a presentation to give the school board tomorrow night, and I'll probbly miss Heroes. I'll have to remember to record it.
2. Scrubs
3. Mythbusters
4. Project Runway

E) Four places I have been on vacation
I haven't been anywhere since I was a kid. I'm too poor for vacation. Why am I too poor for vacation? See section A about jobs.

F) Four of my favorite foods
1. Corn (No joke. I had an epiphany a few months back. Corn is my favorite food.)
2. Cheese
3. Chocolate
4. Meat

G) Four places I would like to be right now
1. Vegas
2. shopping
3. a new house
4. some place warm

H) Four people I think will respond
Nobody really reads my blog regularly but Jennie, and she's already done it.

Fo' the Sistahs

There is a serious problem in Hollywood. Nobody wants to acknowledge this outright, blatant sexism, but it's there. There are plenty of roles out there for big, sassy black gals. But they're not getting these roles. Skinny black MEN keep taking them!

(This one's not too bad, because the character is a man dressed as a woman.)

That last one is Eddie Murphy in his latest piece of shit. He's the worst of them! He just keeps playing the thick-n-chunky sistahs. Who the hell does he think he is! Thinks he can out sistah the sistahs? He needs to get a back-alley beatdown from Nell Carter and Mandisa.

I'm supporting my girls on this one. I vow NEVER to give my money to see a black man play a role that could have, no, SHOULD HAVE gone to a black woman. And I urge you all to do the same.

Wordless Wednesday?

Ok, so y'all knew today would not be wordless. But at least I made it through one post without a single letter.

Things I didn't get to do in St. Louis

• Break into the McLotz's house and rearrange all the furniture
• Get shit-faced drunk and sing karaoke in public (we sang sober karaoke in private)
• Make friends with Jennie's psycho cat
• See Bob or Karl or Jessie
• During Demolition Ball, I did not actually get to demolish anything
• Stop at Trops for a tasty beverage on the way there or on the way back

Other than that, the weekend was legendary.

Big Weekend

Mike and I went to the St. Louis area for a nice, unexpectedly long weekend. It was so much fun! We stayed with my bestest bestie Jennie, her husband Ben, and their psychotic cat.

Friday
Mike picked me up from school after I got out early due to weather. We packed like maniacs and hit the road at 12:40. We then made a trip from our house to Jenjamin's. Normally this takes 4 hours door to door, planning in two stops. Friday night, the trip took over 7 hours. We had to stop several times just to relax for a few minutes. The weather was horrible. I know that I am prone to exaggeration, BUT without any exaggeration, I would bet we passed between 100 and 150 cars that had slid off the road or otherwise wrecked on the ice.

After we arrived, Jennie made us a lovely dinner. Then we played Wii, told stories, and watched Firefly. Then we went to bed.

Saturday
Mike and Ben went to the Blues game with some of the Truman crew. Jennie and I went shopping. Then the Truman gang came over for a good ole spaghetti night. We got to see Anne and Jeremy and Nick and Lisa. We played Apples to Apples and Nick finally won, so he can't ever complain again that nobody picks his cards. After everybody left, Mike and Ben killed zombies, and Jennie and I sang Karaoke Revolution. We kick ass.

Sunday
Sunday we met up with everyone from the night before, plus Erik, and played Demolition Ball. I suck at it, but that has never kept me from having a good time. Erik drove around making tank noises the whole time. He also spent most of the playing time driving his bumper car in reverse. When we finished, we all went to Nick and Lisa's house for some kick-ass beef stew that Lisa cooked. We watched movies, and I played with Deuce. He's a good dog.

After we left, Jennie and Ben and Mike and I went to dinner at the Chinese food place with the bullshit fortune cookie. SUCK IT CHINA! Then we watched Nacho Libre. Nipple twist!

Monday
I got up on Monday to see what road conditions were and get ready to leave. Turns out roads were shitty all over the state. The highway patrol, Goldie, and my principal all told me not to try to drive back on Monday. So my principal called in a sub for my class on Tuesday (which I turned out not to need due to snow days) and Mike and I stayed another day. There was much rejoicing. Jennie and I got haircuts together and went shopping again. Mike and Ben did boy stuff, probably killing more zombies or something.

Later, we had dinner. Then Jennie and I made cookies. Turns out they were poison. Only Jennie and I could eat them. They would have been toxic for Ben ;)

That was the weekend. Tuesday, we packed up, met Ben for lunch, and made the drive back in just under 4 hours. It was such a good weekend. It's always so much fun to hang out with Jennie and Ben. We really need to move next door to each other. Jennie just needs to convince her dad that the practice needs a young lawyer who happens to be an expert in Missouri law.

Oh, and it never did anything but rain on us all weekend. Until Tuesday morning when I looked out the window to check the weather. It was sunny. And snowing.

Snow days

I got out of school at noon on Friday due to the snow and ice. Monday was MLK Day, so no school. I have had snow days Tuesday and Wednesday, and I'll be having another tomorrow. The next district over from us has already called off school Thursday and Friday, so there's a good chance I'll end up with the whole week off.

What does this tell me? It tells me that I'll be in school until 2010 making up snow days. It also tells me we should have stayed at Jenjamin's house.

It's a first!

In St. Louis over the weekend, I had a first. For the first time ever, I've had to call bullshit on a fortune cookie. Here is the fortune:

Come back later... I am sleeping. (yes, cookies need their sleep, too)

BULLSHIT!

You know this is true because
1) Mike, Jennie, and Ben were all there. They saw it, so I have witnesses that I'm not making this shit up.
2) The punctuation is terrible. If I were making that up, I would have used good punctuation.

I consider this fortune a personal insult. I have no choice but to retaliate. They are forcing my hand. Here goes....

I'm adding China to the list of things that can suck it. You heard me China. Suck it hard. Suck it like a bitch. Suck it like your mom does.

I just totally burned China.

Wordless Wednesday

Watch for it!

You know those Sonic commercials with two people having a funny exchange in a car? Watch them closely. All those people are wearing seatbelts. But they move around and you can tell the seatbelts are fake. They're so fucking fake! You can see the real seatbelt hanging down or tucked behind the seat. The actors have seatbelts sewn to their clothes. No shit! Watch for it.

Also, I've been told that those commercials are filmed at the Sonic in Greenwood, MO, which is fairly close to where I live. So I might just have to drive over there and tell them to get their fake-seatbelt-wearin' asses straight. That, or I'll have to knock a bitch out and take her fake sealtbelt shirt to wear to school.

The creepiest thing about teaching 8th grade

Because I teach 8th graders and because I'm under 30, I get to have some fairly unusual experiences that most other teachers don't. It's because these kids are still kids, so they will be more likely to see a teacher as a buddy than older students will. But at the same time, they're starting to have very grown-up urges and experiences. One of the weirdest things that happens while teaching this particular age group, at least to me, is that I get boys doing what I call "practice flirting" with me.

It's exactly what it sounds like. Around two months into the school year, I start getting pick-up lines from some boys. I also get a lot of arms around my shoulders and standing too close. It's totally innocent, but

IT'S FLIPPIN' CREEPY!

Now, these boys do not have any kind of special interest in me. I'm just the young, fun teacher, so to them, I'm safe. They know I won't take it seriously and call their mom all concerned ("Mrs. Jackson, I think we have a problem with little Tony."). I'll act all serious and give them a blow-off line. Then we both laugh and they go sit down. It is all in good fun, and although it is creepy, it's also funny as shit sometimes.

Here are some things I've ACTUALLY had to say to boys:

• Please take a few steps back. You're in my no-creepy-flirting bubble.
• Go away. I'm married.
• Back up offa my Kool-Aid, yo!
• I know you want to hold my hand, but we are NOT that kind of friends.
• You're a nice kid, but I don't like you like that.
• And the one I had to use TODAY -- Um, I don't WANT to smell your hair. I'm just not that into you.

That last one today was the made worse, because after I said it, the kid grabbed my hand and said, "Are you sure about that?" Then he winked at me. He fucking winked at me!

Ew ew ewey ew eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!

I shook him off, and then we both just lost our shit. As yucky as an exchange like that is for me, it's just funny when it's over. So we laughed our happy asses off. Then I sent him to the bathroom. Not because I thought he needed to "cool off" *winky, winky* He had asked me to go before the whole icky icky started.

That's just one of the hazards of my job.

What's the first thing you know?

Well, the FIRST thing you know, ole Jed's a millionaire.

Seating Charts

I hate making new seating charts for my classes. I can never remember who needs to be where to see and to hear and to avoid being distracted. All I can remember is who shouldn't sit with whom. So when we got back from break last Thursday, I had all the kids write me a note for their starter that told me 1) if they need to somewhere special to see, 2) if they need to sit somewhere special to hear, and 3) if there's anyone they should not sit near to keep them out of trouble. I'm stunned at how honest my kids were answering number 3. Most of my kids listed people that they will fight with AND people who I know they're good friends with and will talk to. I'm so proud of them. I gave them a chance to keep themselves out of trouble, and they took it.

That said, here are my 2 favorite answers to question 3 (not the kids' real names):
From Jill -- "Please move me away from Ricky. I made a New Year's resolution to be nicer to people, and I'm doing really well. But he's really really really annoying, and I know you know that. I can't make it much longer. I'm trying to be less rude to him, but he just makes it so hard."

From Ricky -- "Jill is mean to me. Please move me far away!"

Pop quiz!

Here's today's pop quiz question:

What's the first thing you know?

Leave comments with your answers. I'll post the RIGHT answer in a few days.

Happy New Year!