Morganarama

Mamma Mia!

2008-07-29T21:01:00.004-06:00

For a while now, I've hated going to the movies. There's always someone talking through the movie, or the person behind me is coughing and hacking, or cell phones keep ringing. Hell, Mike and I saw The Dark Knight Sunday, and this couple brought their damn baby (EDIT: I realize that what I should have said here is, "This damn idiot couple brought their poor helpless baby!"). To a loud, scary movie! And they sat RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! Luckily for me, the sound was cranked up about as loud as it could go, so I could only hear the crying baby during the few quiet parts.

As much as I've hated going to the movies, I've been to see Mamma Mia! twice, and I would go again. It's a cheesy movie with a predictable plot, but I love it anyway. First, it's full of Abba songs, so every other aspect of the movie could be pure goat shit and I'd still love it anyway. Second, Christine Baranski is in it. She's like Jennifer Coolidge. No matter what she's in, she's hilarious, and she steals the show. I'll see anything she's in. Third, the mother-daughter relationship is positive. These characters really do seem to love and support each other. I've always been a mama's girl, so I'm a sucker for that stuff.

But the strangest reason I loved this movie is Meryl Streep's 59-year-old boobs. They're just out there on display as if she's a woman half her age or less. And they look fabulous! And it's normal! It's not a Stiffler's-mom moment where the audience is told, "Damn, look at those smokin' boobs on that old lady!" They're just there, like any other ta-tas. (EDIT #2: I should also make it clear that Meryl Streep doesn't show off her bare breasts or anything. She just showed really good cleavage.)

It makes my inner raging feminist so proud to be able to see a movie starring not one, but THREE women in their fifties who are strong and fiesty and alive. Yes, they're in their fifties and their lives aren't over! They still get to be main characters and love interests and even objects of lust. But the movie never has that Fried Green Tomatoes feel of middle-aged women recapturing something they've lost. Meryl Streep, Christine Baranski, and Julie Walters were all great.

I highly recommend you go see it. If you see it with your mom, you might cry. I saw it without my mom, and I still cried. Both times. There's good music, pretty scenery, good boobs, a positive message about women getting older, and another positive message that growing up to be like your mother just might not be a bad thing after all.

Plus there are some kick-ass boots. You'll know which ones I'm talking about when you see it.

What's so funny?

2008-07-29T20:25:00.004-06:00

I've been doing some serious thinking this summer about what I think is funny. What makes good comedy? What truly makes me laugh? After much consideration, I have learned something about myself. This is what I have learned:

The term "D-bag" is WAAAAY funnier than "douchebag."

I'm a bitch!

2008-06-20T14:03:00.004-06:00

Famed author Janet Evanovich says so!

A group of teachers who read and love Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series decided to take a road trip to Omaha this week for a book signing. Since they are all educators, and therefore, batshit crazy, they decided to dress as characters. Now, I have not read any of these books, but the trip sounded like a hell of a lot of fun, so I went along for the ride. The others gave me two character choices: Sally Sweet, a tranvestite rock star, or Joyce Barnhardt, Stephanie Plum's rival stole her husband and dresses in all black. Since you all know me, you know my choice. Hell yes, tranny rock star! However, after much searching, I still can't find my hot tranny skirt (you all know I have one), so I decided to go as Joyce instead. I can pull off all black really easily, but I won't half-ass a tranny costume.

I show up dressed all in black, and I knew that maybe I'd been set up. We were waiting in the seriously long line, and we drew quite a crowd of Omahanians who wanted pictures of our costumed group. As we'd all gather round for pictures, I'd hear comments like, "I can't believe she came as Joyce!" and "Joyce isn't slutty enough." We finally, after over 3 hours in line at Borders, got up to meet Janet Evanovich. She looked at my nametag, and said "Oh! You're the bitch!" To which I replied, "Oh, you've met me?"

So there you have it. A popular and acclaimed author called me a bitch. I LOVE it! Here are some pictures of the trip.

We have Sally as The Chip Lady, Penny as Stephanie Plum, Robin as Connie, Janet Evanovich, Goldie as Lula (middle-aged former ho), Linda as Grandma, and me as Joyce.

This one is just Janet and me, after she called me a bitch.

You can read more about our adventures on Goldie's blog here http://news4family.blogspot.com/

Like, No. Way.

2008-03-31T22:18:00.001-06:00

http://music.msn.com/music/blockwatch?GT1=7702&silentchk=1&

I am SO recording that.

Baseball Season!

2008-03-31T22:17:00.000-06:00

Royals win!

I bought myself a pink baseball glove to celebrate.

I love my job

2008-03-23T19:58:00.003-06:00

Last week, I had a kid walk up to me in the hallway and hold up a PSP where I could see it. I told him that, per school rule, he couldn't have that out during the school day and he needed to put it up.

"No," he said, "I'm not trying to play it. I want you to take it. I got God of War: Chains of Olympus last week, and I already beat it twice over the weekend. I know you don't have a PSP, so I brought you mine so you could play it."

I love that my students and I can talk about video games and things like that, and they'll respond by wanting to play them with me. They want me to like the games they like. They want to talk to me about games, get my opinions, ask me what else is cool, and tell me that they think is cool. I have such influence over these kids, it's shocking.

BTW, I played Chains of Olympus until the PSP lost its charge. SWEET! Now I want a PSP.

An open letter

2008-03-23T19:53:00.003-06:00

Dear guy who's too dumb to read the directional arrows in a parking lot,

You are a special kind of illiterate, and there is a special place in illiterate hell waiting for you and your kind.

Love,
Morgan

HA HA HA!

2008-03-11T19:47:00.003-06:00

http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=304846&GT1=7703

I don't know...she looks pretty high to me.

What does an "instructional facilitator" do?

2008-02-27T21:13:00.003-06:00

I'm not quite sure what an instructional facilitator would do in the Holden school district. But I'll be able to tell you next year when I start MY NEW JOB.

That's right. My new job. My district has created an instructional facilitator job for the next school year. I applied in January, I interviewed yesterday, and they came to my room to tell me I got the job less than 24 hours later.

Basically, I'll be overseeing the new teachers in the district and helping them learn how to teach better. I'll also be helping experienced teachers with learning new teaching techniques and technology for their classrooms. Since it's a new position, the district acknowledges that we're not fully sure what the scope of my duties will include yet. But it will be fun, and it will be a challenge. Go me!

It runs in the family

2008-02-23T16:55:00.003-06:00

Last night I took my brother Joe out to dinner at the local Mexican place. We got bored waiting for the check. As a responsible older sister, I made sure we did something productive and educational.

We made a ninja weapon out of butterknives and straw wrappers. Then we put salsa on it to look like blood.

Bang Bang!

2008-02-23T16:42:00.006-06:00

Check out my new haircut. I kind of have bangs. I haven't had those in 17 years! And it only took me 2 hours after my haircut to remember why I haven't had them for 17 years. I think I've already given myself whiplash trying to keep them out of my eyes. That's okay though. They're so cute!

Pray for me

2008-02-17T21:22:00.002-06:00

I was on the way home from running errands in Warrensburg this evening when something strange happened to me.

I heard a Miley Cyrus song on the radio.

And I loved it!

I am SO ashamed of myself.

What the hell? I'm a goddamned adult! I don't have to eat sloppy joes anymore, I have never seen High School Musical, and I know that stuff I like can be more than just uh-maay-zing.

UPDATE: I just bought that shit from iTunes. If I'm reverting like this now, I wonder how bad it's going to be when I turn 30 in August. Seriously guys, if long about June, I start commenting about how "that Zac Ephron's kinda cute," have my ass committed.

UPDATE 2: I just looked it up. I spelled Zac Efron's name wrong up there. There may be hope for me yet.

A shitty time to have dead batteries

2008-02-11T21:52:00.000-06:00

Mike and I were at Best Buy tonight shopping for HDTVs. You'll never guess who was there, and my digicam's batteries were dead, so I can't show you the proof. I had to make a peeps, so while Mike and the salesguy were talking, I headed to the restroom. As I turned past the Geek Squad and headed past customer service to the potty, I saw her there in line. I did a seriously rude double-take when I realized who it was. I was staring straight at Cruella De Vil.

That's right.
Cruella. Fucking. De Vil.

This skinny older lady was in line. She looked wicked mean in the face. She had the crazy salt-and-pepper hair. And she was wearing a long fur coat with bare legs (I was more behind her than in front as I came at her from the side, so I don't know what was under it. Dear God, I hope she had something on). The strangest, and I think, the best, part of the outfit was the footwear. She was wearing slippers.

At that point, as I stopped and stared at her with my mouth hanging open, she turned at looked me right in the eye. At which point, I scooted to the bathroom before I could pee myself right there. By the time I came out, she was gone. If she was still there, I SO would have snuck a pic on my cell phone. Then I would have run away.

Ok, so I'm only 20, maybe 25 years late on this one

2008-02-10T21:14:00.000-06:00

I saw Juno last night. I loved it. Who cares about messages and lessons? It flat out cracked me up.

I take that back. I did learn one lesson. Jason Bateman is hot. Why didn't anybody tell me?

I'm still trying to figure out how I missed that one back in the day.

I'm ready for a drink...and some learnin'

2008-02-10T20:57:00.000-06:00

Another of my new favorite things right now is Drunk History on YouTube. It all started one night when a man drank a bottle of scotch, then decided to tell his friends the story of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr while those friends filmed him. They got some of their other friends, including Michael Cera, to reenact the story as told by Mr. Drunkie. It's hilarious. Since Volume 1 was so great, Volumes 2 and 2.5 have since been added, both starring Jack Black as Ben Franklin. If you haven't seen these fabulous videos, go to YouTube or FunnyOrDie and watch them.

Volume 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V_DsL1x1uY

Volume 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjZR1Rjj_p0

Volume 2.5: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/154bc4bd1b/a

Duty Free TV

2008-02-10T20:34:00.000-06:00

G4 is running a new foreign TV block called "Duty Free TV" which includes Ninja Warrior, Unbeatable Banzuke, and Super Big Product Fun Show. Here are my reviews.

Ninja Warrior: I. Love. This. Show. It's my favorite thing on TV right now, and maybe my favorite thing ever, and maybe I'm just experiencing major writers' strike fatigue. Since I started watching the show, all I want to do is go to Japan. It's ridiculous how much I like this show, and I admit that it isn't normal. It's an awesome 4-stage obstacle course showcasing feats of strength, speed, agility, and endurance. Oh, and the screaming Japanese announcer that I mentioned in a previous post.

Unbeatable Banzuke: I've only seen this one a few times. It's like Ninja Warrior in that it has regular people competing to overcome super hard obstacles. But the show only has one obstacle at a time, not an entire obstacle course, so it's much less exciting. The obstacles are cool, but it's tedious to watch 30 people in a row take 7 steps, then fall off the same thing. Maybe it will grow on me if I see a few more episodes and some better obstacles.

Super Big Product Fun Show: This show has a 15 minute run time like Adult Swim shows do. One thing that sucks about this show is that, unlike Adult Swim shows, they put a commercial break in the middle of the 15 minutes. Unfortunately, that's not the only thing about this show that sucks. It's done like MXC, taking footage from Japanese game shows, mixing them together with a pair of frame-story hosts from another show, and making up their own English translations. The setup is that all the weird things they get from game shows are some kind of product they're reviewing. For example, a clip showed a man being put into a Space Bag, having food (?) dumped on him and then being sealed in the bag and having the air sucked out. SBPFS said it was a bag to put your drunk friends in so they couldn't puke on stuff. Like MXC, it's full of dirty jokes and puns. Unlike MXC, it sucks and it isn't funny. At all. To put it in perspective, I was talking to a student last week who happened to watch the same episode I did the night before. He said that it was retarded and he didn't finish watching it. An 8th GRADE BOY said this show was too moronic to watch for an entire 15 MINUTES.

In the past G4 has shown Banzai, a British-Japanese show involving ridiculous betting opportunities (like which drag queen is actually a woman, or which of two businessmen will put his foot in a shoe with dog poo in it), but so far, I haven't seen it in the "Duty Free" lineup. They should put it in there. It's far funnier, more entertaining, and smarter than SBPFS, dog poo included.

To sum up...
Ninja Warrior: crazy awesome
Unbeatable Banzuke: meh.
Super Big Product Fun Show: to borrow a line from Ben...DUMB!

I know, I know

2008-01-15T21:22:00.000-06:00

I don't post enough. I'll try harder. I've just been so wrapped up in my two new hobbies: sleeping and watching Ninja Warrior on G4. God help me, I love watching those little Japanese guys climbing on shit while a way-too-excited announcer screams in the background. LOVE IT!

Dat bitch is CRAY-ZAY!

2008-01-15T21:21:00.001-06:00

This is just too funny not to watch. Supporting point #3 is the best.

Breathing room

2007-05-17T21:31:00.000-06:00

It's the end of the school year again, which means I haven't had time to breathe for about a month, and still won't for another two or three weeks. We just had our big 8th Grade Celebration this evening, so even though I'll be busy, it'll be smooth sailing from here on.

I ran across this article this evening and I just had to share it. I LOVE this mother. I want her kids to move to my school.

Bullying Teen Gets Public Punishment

Shenanigans!

2007-04-16T20:39:00.000-06:00

This weather is bullshit.

Wordless Wednesday

2007-04-11T20:07:00.000-06:00

The Coolest Thing I've Seen All Week

2007-04-03T20:47:00.001-06:00

It seems like everything Alanis does makes me like her more.

Why not to get your hair done at a beauty school

2007-04-01T14:28:00.000-06:00

Even the D students get to practice on people.

I DID choose those colors. But they were supposed to be highlights in my original hair color. I told the girl that. I guess those terms were too complicated for her. It looks much better in these pictures than it did right after I got it yesterday. When I got home, I couldn't decide which I looked more like: a circus clown or the big top tent a circus clown performs in. It was really bright because she didn't rinse all the dye out. My clothes and hands were stained from touching it. When I got home, I got in the shower and shampooed 6 or 7 times. Now I look like a cartoon superhero or a REALLY big Chiefs fan.

In all of this, I have found something to take comfort in. I was going to go really funky and get purple highlights instead of red. Thank the Lord I changed my mind. And another positive: I am TOTALLY keeping my reputation as the awesomest 8th grade teacher ever.

For Jennie

2007-03-22T20:13:00.000-06:00

Heather Mills...

2007-03-20T18:41:00.000-06:00

...looks like a transvestite.

What in the hell is wrong with the TV?

2007-03-18T09:41:00.000-06:00

In the last few weeks, I have seen some shit on TV that just shouldn't be there. Three things in particular have stood out from the crowd.

First, Sanjaya is still on Idol. I has GOT to be a Stern/Votefortheworst conspiracy. Because the little future 'mo can't sing. And they curled his hair up like a pretty pretty princess girl. He's a nice kid, but seriously!

Second, I was flipping channels on my DirecTv late last weekend when I saw in the Guide "Upcoming: Shop Erotic." I saw this and thought, "Must be lingerie. Surely they can't sell dildos on TV." I stayed up and waited out of sheer curiosity. Know what it was? They were selling dildos on TV. And automatic massaging self-masturbating penis pumps. And anal beads. And butt plugs. Butt plugs! On TV! That was what really got me. They didn't try to sugar-coat it at all. They were like "butt plugs" this and "butt plugs" that. No "recreational voluntary anal blockage device" or anything like that. I know you can say "butt plug" on TV, but Oh. My. GOD. you shouldn't! I just sat there watching with Mike, turning to him every few seconds and marvelling, "Seriously? Seriously? That's on my TV?" For those of you who are curious, they have a website with show times and channel listings.

The last cracked-out thing I saw on TV made so little sense, I wasn't sure the next day if it was real, or if I had dreamed it. Hot Pockets must have made Marijuana Hot Pockets and fed them to their advertising department. I was sitting innocently on my couch watching TV, when this commercial came on. A young man was doing sit-ups with a gym partner standing on his feet. He sits up (as is expected while doing sit-ups) and finds his gym partner replaced with an old Chinese man who looks down at him and says, "What-uh wrong wis you? You no want-uh six-uh payck. You want-uh HAAAT PAACKAYTS!" Then a web address for http://www.hotpocketsdojo.com/ pops up. You can see this commercial and many similar to it on that site, as well as sending e-cards and playing rock-paper-scissors. I had to visit the web site to make sure I hadn't halucinated the whole thing. Better hurry if you want to see it, though. I'm sure they won't last long before Asian anti-defamation groups get them pulled. They're so bad I was offended by them. It doesn't mean I didn't laugh my ass off though. I'm sure that if George Takei sees this man in a dark alley, he'll justifiably kick his ass.

I'm a big girl now!

2007-03-12T20:52:00.000-06:00

Know how I know I'm a grown-up?

I'm happy DST got here because I get to spend more time during daylight hours. I used to whine and moan for a week and a half that the government stole an hour of my sleep. Now, I'm like, "Ooooh! Sunshine! This is a great idea."

Is it all really worth it?

2007-03-05T19:46:00.001-06:00

No. No it's not.

There. Is. A. REASON...

2007-02-28T21:58:00.000-06:00

...that I do NOT choose to live in Oklahoma!

Today, it is February. FEBRUARY! I should not be on my THIRD tornado close-call of the calendar year. And I especially should not be expecting close-calls number four and five before morning.

I don't know who it is, but someone needs to be punched in the face for this. Like I said, if I enjoyed tornados, or if I enjoyed the company of people with no teeth, then I would have chosen to live in Oklahoma.

Know what else?

2007-02-27T22:27:00.000-06:00

Things just got a little easier if you're a whore. Walmart started carrying your shoes!

Yep. Red "patent leather" peep toe platform skinny high heels. I can't decide whether the fake stack heel and platform make it better or worse. At only $18.82, you'll make your money back on your corner in no time!

Re: Fuck Walmart

2007-02-27T22:24:00.001-06:00

Nevermind. No more "Fuck Walmart."

Them bitches finally got hula hoops.

I'll see your moms...

2007-02-19T19:46:00.000-06:00

...and raise you the entire family! That's my dad, me, sister Annie, brother Tommy, brother Joe, and MOM! It was taken at the rehearsal dinner the night before my wedding.

My mom is the greatest. I don't have time to write a treatise on why my mom rocks, so I'll leave you with the greatest thing I learned from my mom. Her mother never showed her kids love when they were growing up. My mom can remember every single time that my grandmother told her that she loved her because it happened so few times. My mom taught me that the best way to love anybody is to let them know. She told me she wanted to make sure that she told us how much she loved us as often as she could so that we wouldn't grow up remembering each time as an occasion. Instead, we grew up with the knowledge that we were all truly loved.

Spring break? What's that?

2007-02-14T14:14:00.000-06:00

Today, I slept in, went grocery shopping, and had a leisurely lunch with my husband instead of working. Why? Because today is my 9th snow day of the year. We had 2 in December, 5 in January, and 2 this week. Before this week, they had already ignored our priority of make-up days (which said we would make up all snow days at the end of the school year) and taken away Presidents' Day and three days of Spring Break, leaving us with only 2 days off for the entire remainder of the school year. Now that we've had these snow days this week, we'll probably lose what we had left. Which means I won't be able to go visit Lee in Springfield, IL, and I won't be able to stop on the way to Lee's to hang with Jennie and Ben before they leave for their cruise.

Stupid plan-ruining snow days.

Now all I can do is hold out hope that the superintendent will come to his senses, give back Spring Break, and add another week to the end of the school year.

Who

2007-02-14T14:08:00.000-06:00

Who let the dogs out?

You

Who wishes you'd quit fucking with the damn dogs and get a life?

Me

Why I rock...today

2007-02-12T22:10:00.000-06:00

I just presented my big project of the year to the school board this evening as part of their "student achievement" segment of their meeting. I impressed the shit out of the superintendent and all the building principals in my district.

The school board was not as impressed. Not because my job shadowing program isn't kick-ass, but because it's old news to them. Almost all of them have had a child or a grandchild come through my class, so they all knew about the program. And they all looooooooooooved it!

So...

school board = impressed by something they already knew was good, but didn't realize I use it to cover a metric assload of objectives.
principals = all think I totally rock, and are jealous I'm not teaching in their building.

I'm a champion!

Challenge!

2007-02-11T14:48:00.000-06:00

Jennie has issued a challege to respond to a post called "Four things you may not have known about me." Everybody knows everything about me, so I shall call this one...

Four things you know about me, but may have forgotten.

A) Four jobs I have had in my life.
1. Church nursery worker
2. Day care/preschool teacher
3. Substitute teacher
4. 8th grade English teacher

B) Four movies I would watch over and over.
1. Psycho Beach Party
2. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
3. George of the Jungle
4. The Mummy movies

C) Four places I have lived
1. Redondo Beach, California
2. Odessa and Mequite, Texas
3. Raymore, Missouri
4. Holden, Missouri
That's all the places I've lived, unless you count college. Then we can add Kirksville and Columbia, Missouri

D) Four TV shows I love to watch
1. Heroes--Oh, shit! I'm glad we did this. I have a presentation to give the school board tomorrow night, and I'll probbly miss Heroes. I'll have to remember to record it.
2. Scrubs
3. Mythbusters
4. Project Runway

E) Four places I have been on vacation
I haven't been anywhere since I was a kid. I'm too poor for vacation. Why am I too poor for vacation? See section A about jobs.

F) Four of my favorite foods
1. Corn (No joke. I had an epiphany a few months back. Corn is my favorite food.)
2. Cheese
3. Chocolate
4. Meat

G) Four places I would like to be right now
1. Vegas
2. shopping
3. a new house
4. some place warm

H) Four people I think will respond
Nobody really reads my blog regularly but Jennie, and she's already done it.

Fo' the Sistahs

2007-01-30T20:29:00.000-06:00

There is a serious problem in Hollywood. Nobody wants to acknowledge this outright, blatant sexism, but it's there. There are plenty of roles out there for big, sassy black gals. But they're not getting these roles. Skinny black MEN keep taking them!

(This one's not too bad, because the character is a man dressed as a woman.)

That last one is Eddie Murphy in his latest piece of shit. He's the worst of them! He just keeps playing the thick-n-chunky sistahs. Who the hell does he think he is! Thinks he can out sistah the sistahs? He needs to get a back-alley beatdown from Nell Carter and Mandisa.

I'm supporting my girls on this one. I vow NEVER to give my money to see a black man play a role that could have, no, SHOULD HAVE gone to a black woman. And I urge you all to do the same.

Wordless Wednesday?

2007-01-17T22:25:00.000-06:00

Ok, so y'all knew today would not be wordless. But at least I made it through one post without a single letter.

Things I didn't get to do in St. Louis

2007-01-17T22:18:00.000-06:00

Break into the McLotz's house and rearrange all the furniture
Get shit-faced drunk and sing karaoke in public (we sang sober karaoke in private)
Make friends with Jennie's psycho cat
See Bob or Karl or Jessie
During Demolition Ball, I did not actually get to demolish anything
Stop at Trops for a tasty beverage on the way there or on the way back

Other than that, the weekend was legendary.

Big Weekend

2007-01-17T21:52:00.000-06:00

Mike and I went to the St. Louis area for a nice, unexpectedly long weekend. It was so much fun! We stayed with my bestest bestie Jennie, her husband Ben, and their psychotic cat.

Friday
Mike picked me up from school after I got out early due to weather. We packed like maniacs and hit the road at 12:40. We then made a trip from our house to Jenjamin's. Normally this takes 4 hours door to door, planning in two stops. Friday night, the trip took over 7 hours. We had to stop several times just to relax for a few minutes. The weather was horrible. I know that I am prone to exaggeration, BUT without any exaggeration, I would bet we passed between 100 and 150 cars that had slid off the road or otherwise wrecked on the ice.

After we arrived, Jennie made us a lovely dinner. Then we played Wii, told stories, and watched Firefly. Then we went to bed.

Saturday
Mike and Ben went to the Blues game with some of the Truman crew. Jennie and I went shopping. Then the Truman gang came over for a good ole spaghetti night. We got to see Anne and Jeremy and Nick and Lisa. We played Apples to Apples and Nick finally won, so he can't ever complain again that nobody picks his cards. After everybody left, Mike and Ben killed zombies, and Jennie and I sang Karaoke Revolution. We kick ass.

Sunday
Sunday we met up with everyone from the night before, plus Erik, and played Demolition Ball. I suck at it, but that has never kept me from having a good time. Erik drove around making tank noises the whole time. He also spent most of the playing time driving his bumper car in reverse. When we finished, we all went to Nick and Lisa's house for some kick-ass beef stew that Lisa cooked. We watched movies, and I played with Deuce. He's a good dog.

After we left, Jennie and Ben and Mike and I went to dinner at the Chinese food place with the bullshit fortune cookie. SUCK IT CHINA! Then we watched Nacho Libre. Nipple twist!

Monday
I got up on Monday to see what road conditions were and get ready to leave. Turns out roads were shitty all over the state. The highway patrol, Goldie, and my principal all told me not to try to drive back on Monday. So my principal called in a sub for my class on Tuesday (which I turned out not to need due to snow days) and Mike and I stayed another day. There was much rejoicing. Jennie and I got haircuts together and went shopping again. Mike and Ben did boy stuff, probably killing more zombies or something.

Later, we had dinner. Then Jennie and I made cookies. Turns out they were poison. Only Jennie and I could eat them. They would have been toxic for Ben ;)

That was the weekend. Tuesday, we packed up, met Ben for lunch, and made the drive back in just under 4 hours. It was such a good weekend. It's always so much fun to hang out with Jennie and Ben. We really need to move next door to each other. Jennie just needs to convince her dad that the practice needs a young lawyer who happens to be an expert in Missouri law.

Oh, and it never did anything but rain on us all weekend. Until Tuesday morning when I looked out the window to check the weather. It was sunny. And snowing.

Snow days

2007-01-17T21:48:00.000-06:00

I got out of school at noon on Friday due to the snow and ice. Monday was MLK Day, so no school. I have had snow days Tuesday and Wednesday, and I'll be having another tomorrow. The next district over from us has already called off school Thursday and Friday, so there's a good chance I'll end up with the whole week off.

What does this tell me? It tells me that I'll be in school until 2010 making up snow days. It also tells me we should have stayed at Jenjamin's house.

It's a first!

2007-01-17T21:40:00.000-06:00

In St. Louis over the weekend, I had a first. For the first time ever, I've had to call bullshit on a fortune cookie. Here is the fortune:

Come back later... I am sleeping. (yes, cookies need their sleep, too)

BULLSHIT!

You know this is true because
1) Mike, Jennie, and Ben were all there. They saw it, so I have witnesses that I'm not making this shit up.
2) The punctuation is terrible. If I were making that up, I would have used good punctuation.

I consider this fortune a personal insult. I have no choice but to retaliate. They are forcing my hand. Here goes....

I'm adding China to the list of things that can suck it. You heard me China. Suck it hard. Suck it like a bitch. Suck it like your mom does.

I just totally burned China.

Wordless Wednesday

2007-01-17T21:34:00.000-06:00

Watch for it!

2007-01-10T21:15:00.000-06:00

You know those Sonic commercials with two people having a funny exchange in a car? Watch them closely. All those people are wearing seatbelts. But they move around and you can tell the seatbelts are fake. They're so fucking fake! You can see the real seatbelt hanging down or tucked behind the seat. The actors have seatbelts sewn to their clothes. No shit! Watch for it.

Also, I've been told that those commercials are filmed at the Sonic in Greenwood, MO, which is fairly close to where I live. So I might just have to drive over there and tell them to get their fake-seatbelt-wearin' asses straight. That, or I'll have to knock a bitch out and take her fake sealtbelt shirt to wear to school.

The creepiest thing about teaching 8th grade

2007-01-10T20:49:00.000-06:00

Because I teach 8th graders and because I'm under 30, I get to have some fairly unusual experiences that most other teachers don't. It's because these kids are still kids, so they will be more likely to see a teacher as a buddy than older students will. But at the same time, they're starting to have very grown-up urges and experiences. One of the weirdest things that happens while teaching this particular age group, at least to me, is that I get boys doing what I call "practice flirting" with me.

It's exactly what it sounds like. Around two months into the school year, I start getting pick-up lines from some boys. I also get a lot of arms around my shoulders and standing too close. It's totally innocent, but

IT'S FLIPPIN' CREEPY!

Now, these boys do not have any kind of special interest in me. I'm just the young, fun teacher, so to them, I'm safe. They know I won't take it seriously and call their mom all concerned ("Mrs. Jackson, I think we have a problem with little Tony."). I'll act all serious and give them a blow-off line. Then we both laugh and they go sit down. It is all in good fun, and although it is creepy, it's also funny as shit sometimes.

Here are some things I've ACTUALLY had to say to boys:

Please take a few steps back. You're in my no-creepy-flirting bubble.
Go away. I'm married.
Back up offa my Kool-Aid, yo!
I know you want to hold my hand, but we are NOT that kind of friends.
You're a nice kid, but I don't like you like that.
And the one I had to use TODAY -- Um, I don't WANT to smell your hair. I'm just not that into you.

That last one today was the made worse, because after I said it, the kid grabbed my hand and said, "Are you sure about that?" Then he winked at me. He fucking winked at me!

Ew ew ewey ew eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!

I shook him off, and then we both just lost our shit. As yucky as an exchange like that is for me, it's just funny when it's over. So we laughed our happy asses off. Then I sent him to the bathroom. Not because I thought he needed to "cool off" *winky, winky* He had asked me to go before the whole icky icky started.

That's just one of the hazards of my job.

What's the first thing you know?

2007-01-10T20:48:00.001-06:00

Well, the FIRST thing you know, ole Jed's a millionaire.

Seating Charts

2007-01-08T23:21:00.000-06:00

I hate making new seating charts for my classes. I can never remember who needs to be where to see and to hear and to avoid being distracted. All I can remember is who shouldn't sit with whom. So when we got back from break last Thursday, I had all the kids write me a note for their starter that told me 1) if they need to somewhere special to see, 2) if they need to sit somewhere special to hear, and 3) if there's anyone they should not sit near to keep them out of trouble. I'm stunned at how honest my kids were answering number 3. Most of my kids listed people that they will fight with AND people who I know they're good friends with and will talk to. I'm so proud of them. I gave them a chance to keep themselves out of trouble, and they took it.

That said, here are my 2 favorite answers to question 3 (not the kids' real names):
From Jill -- "Please move me away from Ricky. I made a New Year's resolution to be nicer to people, and I'm doing really well. But he's really really really annoying, and I know you know that. I can't make it much longer. I'm trying to be less rude to him, but he just makes it so hard."

From Ricky -- "Jill is mean to me. Please move me far away!"

Pop quiz!

2007-01-08T21:12:00.000-06:00

Here's today's pop quiz question:

What's the first thing you know?

Leave comments with your answers. I'll post the RIGHT answer in a few days.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T14:57:00.000-06:00

Dr. Mario...

2006-12-29T19:15:00.000-06:00

can suck my balls.

He ain't even a real doctor anyway.

Pick a new word!

2006-12-29T11:43:00.000-06:00

Listen up, people! It's time for a new word.

I know you all know it and love it. It's like an old familiar friend you can always count on to come to the party with you. But your friend isn't fun anymore. Your friend brings nothing to the party. Your friend is unwelcome. Your friend has BO. "Amazing" is over! "Amazing" is played out! Pick a new word. Find a new friend.

You know a word is overused when you have to find new ways to pronounce it and stretch it out so that it sounds less boring. Don't think that it's suddenly a new word just because you pronounce the word like this:
This song is (pause) uh..MAAAYzing.

I don't care what you use. You can even go back the most played out A-words of years past ("awesome" and "actually," in case you didn't know). But it's time to face it--describing everything as "amazing," especially things that are decidedly NOT amazing, just makes you look stupid.

Just call me stumpy.

2006-12-25T21:22:00.000-06:00

My two coolest Christmas gifts:
1. My new video camera I got from my wonderful husband.
2. My 10-inch compound miter saw from my dad. Dad also wisely threw in a bag full of shop towels and duct tape, so when I cut off a finger, I can make myself what I like to call a "mandaid"--paper towel held on with duct tape.

I have such wonderful people in my life.

My New Christmas Desktop

2006-12-23T15:56:00.000-06:00

Someone's on the verge of being on the suck it list

2006-12-20T22:04:00.000-06:00

Dammit, Al Gore, fix your internet! Blogger's broken.

It's really hard for me to reply to any of my comments or to leave comments on other Blogger blogs. Since I signed up for my own account, I keep getting a broken image where the word verification is supposed to be. I managed to leave Jennie a comment the other day after about 10 minutes of refreshing and error messages because it thought that the letters I typed, while they DID match the few word verifications that popped up, did not match the word verification. I only managed to reply to a comment on my own blog by going into my settings, getting rid of word verification, replying, then turning it back on.

So, Jennie---boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. I'm sure you've seen the video remix.

Freedom!

2006-12-20T22:03:00.000-06:00

Christmas vacation, bitches :D

I'm SO the winner!

2006-12-19T19:53:00.000-06:00

We had our annual Christmas door decorating contest at school this year. We have it every year, and the same woman always wins. Her room is on a corner, so she has three times as much space to decorate as everyone else. Everyone just assumes her advisory will win and shoots for 2nd place.

This year, my advisory came up with an absolutely hilarious idea. "Let's do Disco Santa!" one girl said. "We can make him a white afro out of cotton balls." I laughed at it and asked for more ideas to decide on. The same girl spoke up again. "But we could also use cotton balls to make him white chest hair," she said.

"Sold!" I said. "We're SO doing that!" Santa with chest hair just cracked my shit up hard. So we worked really hard during advisory for the last few weeks making the pieces. We worked when we were supposed to (during our 20 minutes of advisory four days a week and after school). Meanwhile, the woman who always wins and her advisory TOTALLY cheated--more on that in a minute.

Here are some pictures of my advisory's door:

Yeah, that's a metallic irridescent disco fringe curtain in front and a spinning disco light on the left.

This is a close-up of Santa

You can't really tell because of the flash, but I used several colors of chalk to make him "cracker" white, as opposed to "paper" white, which was a huge concern of my advisory.

And finally, my favorite, Santa's Sleigh, a 1972 El Camino.

After all this work and creativity, my advisory got 2nd place. We "lost" to the cheater woman who always wins. You all know me. I'm not competetive. I'm a stickler for rules and good sportsmanship, but if I do my best and play by the rules, I'm happy with the outcome. But I was pissed that we lost. If she hadn't cheated, I would have been fine, like I have for all the other years she's won. But this woman had kids out working on their door during class. For one day, that's not too bad. But she had two girls out in the hall for the entire class period EIGHT days in a row. And her door was not fun or creative. Just big.

So I told my advisory that we didn't cheat and we are the real winners. Which, while petty, is still pretty good considering that in my head I had a running monologue of "Fuck that! We motherfucking won! Let's burn this bitch down."

You know what really burns my ass?

2006-12-19T19:50:00.000-06:00

A fire about three feet high.

Me and my couch

2006-12-18T21:09:00.000-06:00

Me and my couch spent some quality time together this weekend. As I mentioned earlier in my post on colds, I was sick as hell and spent at least 90% of my waking hours this weekend laying on the couch under an electric blanket. Because I was on the couch and there was nothing on all weekend, I watched Return of the King on TNT. All three times it was on. The Sunday night showing was cut a little short as I had to go to bed (I was exhausted from my hard day laying on the couch).

This reflective time helped me realize that I have a few favorite moments from the final installment of the story of Frodo and his homies.

1. My absolute favorite moment happens when Frodo just can't go any farther. Sam says. " I can't carry for you... but I can carry you!" I love, love, love those moments of pure, true friendship in books and movies. They make me cry every time. They make me think of all my friends who have carried me when I could no longer carry my burden.

2. When Eowyn stabs the Witch King in the face and kills him. I always love it when a woman stands up for herself and for others in a place where she had not been allowed to do so. I have another moment like this that I still remember from a tv show that will make me look like more of a nerd than this post about LOTR.

3. When the Hobbits bow before Aragorn at the end and he says, "My friends, you bow to no-one," and the whole kingdom of man bows to them. It's humility, and it's credit where it's due.

4. When all those green dead soldiers come out of the boat and across the water. That just looks cool.

It's amazing how much time you have to contemplate these things when you're on a couch for a whole weekend.

Oh, I should also put my favorite moment of the whole trilogy on here. It's at the end of The Two Towers when Sam gives his speech about the great stories and about good in the world. Best moment of the whole story. Love it!

Totally

2006-12-18T21:07:00.000-06:00

I just totally wrote that last post so I could write "pounding wood like a 13-year-old boy on a snow day" and "suck it like a whore on trash day." That last one doesn't even mean anything. It just made me laugh when I thought of it. Must be the DayQuil.

One more thing that can really, really suck it

2006-12-18T20:54:00.000-06:00

Colds. I flippin' HAAAAAAATE colds. I catch a cold, and it usually lasts a month. I fought off a cold for part of last week, but by Thursday afternoon, the kids in my classes watched me get sicker by the minute.

It started on Wednesday. Wednesday I was dragging ass all day. I just never woke up. Then Wednesday night I got *the tickle*. It's that sensation in the back of your throat that warns of impending doom. So I started slugging back Airborne and snorting Zicam every hour for the next 2 days. Neither of these things has ever really worked for me once I got the tickle. But I tried anyway. I got slammed hard by my cold on Thursday and Friday. Saturday sucked too. Yesterday, I got up at 1:30, saw that TNT was showing the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and laid on the couch watching it all day. I got up after the trilogy had started and went back to bed before it was over.

Now, I'm surprised to say that my cold is getting better. My head is clear and I can speak again, although not loudly or for more that 10 minutes at a time. I think that my aggressive attack, while not preventing my cold, has actually shortened it's duration as per the big print on the shiny boxes. I'm not trusting this completely. I'm not just knocking on wood when I say that I'm getting better. I'm pounding wood like a 13-year-old boy on a snow day. But I'm hoping this cold will be over before February.

So my cold is getting better. But colds in general can still suck it like a whore on trash day.

PahRumPumPumZzzzzzzzzzzzz

2006-12-13T19:01:00.000-06:00

I think I have figured out what the most effective sleep aid imaginable would be. I bet if Amy Grant, the most boring singer ever, sang "Little Drummer Boy," the most boring Christmas song ever, the world would never wake up from the sheer boredom.

Dating Trouble

2006-12-13T18:40:00.000-06:00

Today is December 13. I've been a little sentimental today. I can't help but be reminded of a very special event from a few years ago: May 5, 2005 (in case you haven't guessed, it's another student story).

I have had a very special handful of students in my life who have been incredibly intelligent, yet who can't seem to make the connection between the most simple of facts. I had one of these students a few years ago. He's a sophomore now. In fact, when this happened, he was in the same class as Ash. I'll call this kid Charlie.

On May 5, 2005, the date was 05/05/05. Halfway through the day, Charlie looked up at the board in the middle of a dead silent classroom and said, "Oh my God, it's five five five!" All the other students turned to look at him with puzzled looks on their faces.

"PLEASE tell me you didn't take this long to notice," snarked the bitchy girl in front of him. Everyone shook their heads and went back to work.

A few minutes later, Charlie sat straight up with a gasp and yelled, "That means next year, there will be a six six six!" The bitchy girl glared at him. Charlie was unphased. Obviously amused at the thought, he said, to no one in particular, "Wouldn't it be awesome if it happened on Friday the 13th?"

Giggles and comments of disbelief rang out around the room. Confused, Charlie asked me what was wrong. "Well, sweetie, if it's the 6th, it can't be the 13th," I replied.

"Oh," he said, embarassed, and returned to his work. But young Charlie was not done thinking about this particular topic.

My class got back to work on their projects. After another ten minutes of silent hard work, my class was again interrupted by a very excited Charlie.

"That means that in 2013, there will be a thirteen thirteen thirteen!"

"Are you retarded?!?" exploded the bitchy girl (maybe I should have been calling her Kerry).

"What did I say this time?" asked poor Charlie, obviously confused by this rejection of his discovery.

"There is no thirteenth month," I replied. "But in 2013, December 13 will fall on a Friday the 13th." Charlie went back to work, and he never said anything about dates in my class again.

Happy Anniversary Jennie and Ben!

2006-12-13T18:37:00.000-06:00

Happy, happy day to my besty and her hubby.

I think I'll start calling you Jenjamin.

Fuck Walmart

2006-12-11T20:52:00.000-06:00

They ain't got no damn hula hoops.

Do You Smell Something Burning?

2006-12-10T22:30:00.001-06:00

The girls asked for some stories about my students, so I decided to pull out one of my favorites from a few years ago. The boy in question is now a sophomore. I'll call him Ash, for reasons that shall be obvious later.

As a teacher, I don't act much different than I usually do. I'm pretty much just like I always am, just with fewer cuss words. So what all that means is that I act like a 14-year-old boy on his best behavior. As a result, I usually have a group of boys that love the crap out of me. Not that they have crushes on me, not like that. They just love to hang out with me. They see me as a buddy. So I usually end up finding out far more about them that I ever wanted to know.

During our Middle School basketball season, the boys' and girls' teams take turns having late practice. So when the boys have late practice, I tend to end up having a group of the boys who live too far away to go home between school and practice coming to my classroom after school and asking me to come play Uno or some other game with them before their practice starts.

Two years ago, I was walking through the commons when the boys called me over to play with them. I heard a few of them talking about a slumber party they'd had the weekend before. Because they think of me as one of the guys, they forgot to stop talking about it. One of them said, "I wonder how long before Ash's hair grows back and the burns heal." I thought back to Ash's class earlier in the day, and I didn't remember anything being wrong with his hair. So I just HAD to ask.

"What happened to his hair?" I asked. "It looked the same during 3rd hour today."

"Um, no, not this hair," one of the boys said, grabbing ahold of a curl on top of his head. "This hair," he said, pointing to the general area of his winky-woo.

I stood there, stunned that even as close as we were, the kids would tell me about that. I quickly put together the story in my head.

"Oh my God, were you guys lighting your farts on fire? What is wrong with you?" I got ready to tease them relentlessly about their idiotic obession with farts and fire and be done with the story. If only the chain of events had really been what I had thought. But that's not how it happened.

"No, that's not it at all," said one of those good kids that's always afraid he'll get in trouble for the slightest little thing. "We were playing Truth or Dare."

I know now that I shouldn't have asked. But, of course, I did. "Then how did Ash get burned in his, uh, there, if he wasn't lighting a fart on fire?"

The boys got very quiet and looked around at each other. In those few seconds, choices were being made. Who could resist the glory of being the one to tell a really good story, and who would not be getting their ass kicked by Ash when he found out they told me. Having made his choice, the curly-headed boy spoke up first.

"Well, Ash, he picked dare. So Brian dared him to light it on fire."

"It?" I asked. "He dared Ash to light IT on fire? And he did it?!?" For a few seconds, I thought seriously about getting Ash's IQ tested.

"No, not IT! Just one of the hairs, that's all," said the curly-headed boy. "So he lit one. But then they, like, all caught on fire."

I should have had something adult and professional ready to say, or at least kept my mouth shut until I did. Unfortunately, I did neither. "Didn't he think to yank one out first? Didn't he realize that if ONE would burn, they ALL would?"

"I guess not," said a small blonde boy. But it sure was funny though. He isn't going to sit right for a week!"

We all had our laughs, and the boys made me promise not to tell the other kids. As if I would actually stand up in class and say, "Guess what. Ash burned off all his pubes playing Truth or Dare this weekend!"

I did, however, tell all the other teachers.

Bitches What Can Suck It: The Hall of Fame

2006-12-08T22:32:00.000-06:00

I have what I like to call my list of bitches what can suck it. I know I should say "who" instead of "what." But I like it that way, and that's how I'm keeping it. It's my little way of embracing my little hillbilly town. Don't like that? Leave me a comment about it, and I'll add you to my next list of bitches what can can suck it.

The list changes pretty much daily, but there are some people who have earned a permanent spot on the list. Here goes:

Sprint. Sprint is full of pigfuckers who can eat shit and die.
Jared the Subway guy
Giant raised trucks with foglights on the bumper
Whoever created the chicken dance
Pigs
Broccoli farmers
Bad parents
People who "don't do" Walmart, and think that they're a better person than everyone who "does" Walmart. If you can afford not to "do" Walmart, good for you. Either stop looking down on me for loving Walmart, or write me a damn check every month so I can support small local businesses.
Those fuckers that stole my snow shovel out of my yard last weekend. I swear to God, if I find you I will use that shovel to bury you.

Man, venting feels good. I hope I've gotten off to a good enough start on this blog.

The Go-To's

2006-12-08T21:58:00.000-06:00

Everyone has a "Go-To." I have many, depending on the job. For example, my Go-To Classroom-Pain-in-the-Ass Ender is going to the computer, looking up the said Pain-in-the-Ass's dad's work number, reading it to him outloud (let's face it, it's usually a boy if it gets to this point), then picking up the phone and dialing. It works so well that I've never had to finish dialing the area code. One of my favorite Go-To's is a story. Whenever I need to make someone laugh, or get the attention of 28 8th graders, this story works every time. Ready?

Wait for it...

Wait for it....

So... close...

This one time, my dog peed in his own eye!

Great, isn't it? There is a story to go with it, which is pretty funny. But once I get past that first line, I've gotten my laugh. I've gotten the attention of enough 14-year-olds to fill a school bus. When I made this blogger account it said something about sound from a cell phone or something. If I can figure out how to work it, I'll try to add a sound clip of me reading the Go-To line. It's even better than reading it in big purple print.

Anyway, my Husky Eddie is still pretty young. He's not much older than a puppy, and he still gets REALLY excited about any attention he gets. Sometimes, he pees a little. Mike and I have learned to stand back and watch out for the pee stream when giving the Eddie-man belly rubs. One day, the Eddster was more excited than usual. The stream let fly, we jumped back, and the peeps hit him square in his blue eye. Apparently, peeing in your own eye stings if you're a dog. He let out a pathetic little bark, then looked around to try to figure out what hit him.

Special note just for Jennie: Does this remind you of a certain friend threatening to piss in a certain shitty-ass ex-boyfriend's good eye? And then "slap him in the face...with my dick!"?
Me too!

Come one, come all!

2006-12-08T21:52:00.000-06:00

Here goes! Jennie and Jessie ganged up on me and called me out on their blogs, so now I have to have one. But they told everyone that I'm really funny, so no pressure there, right?

Anyway, I'll try to write regularly and keep up with the blogging. But do NOT expect rainbows and sunshine! I will bitch and moan and complain, and I will curse like a sailor with tourette's and a mama who never spanked him. Because sometimes, you just feel like you have to punch someone in the head, and dropping a few F-bombs can help the head-punching urge subside.

Enough with the introductions. On to a real post....